Key & Peele – Pawn Shop


[rapid knocking on door] [buzzer] – HEY, MAN.
HOW YOU DOING? YOU GUYS GOT BOW AND ARROWS? – YEAH. – OH, YEAH.
OH, THAT’S IT. YEAH, THERE IT IS.
THERE. THAT’LL DO IT.
THAT’S GONNA DO IT. YUP.
WHERE ARE THE ARROWS AT? [clears throat] YEAH.
YOU GOT–YOU GUYS GOT M80s? – WE DON’T CARRY FIREWORKS. – DAMN!
YOU HAVE, UH– YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE
THAT’S EXPLOSIVE THAT I COULD TAPE
TO THE END OF AN ARROW? – WE HAVE SHOTGUN SHELLS, BUT…
– UH-HUH. OOH. – I FEEL I HAVE TO ASK, ARE YOU PLANNING
TO ATTACH THOSE TO ARROWS AND USE THEM AS A WEAPON? – WHAT?
NO. WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?
[laughs] YOU THINK
THAT WOULD WORK THOUGH? WHAT–WHAT–WHAT IF I SHOT
EXPLOSIVE ARROWS THROUGH A WINDOW
TO BREAK ‘EM OPEN? – SIR, I FEEL LIKE
I HAVE TO ASK YOU WHAT YOU’RE PLANNING
TO USE THESE FOR. – OH, NO, I’M NOT PLANNING
TO DO ANYTHING. I’M JUST–THIS IS
JUST CHRISTMAS SHOPPING. I’M GETTING A–
YOU GOT ZIP LINES? – NOPE. – BUT YOU GOT, LIKE,
HOOKS AND ANCHORS AND CABLES? – WE GOT
SOME OF THOSE THINGS, BUT I DO NOT RECOMMEND
MANUFACTURING YOUR OWN ZIP LINE. – OH, I’M NOT DOING THAT.
NO. LET’S SAY SOMEBODY
WAS MANUFACTURING THEIR OWN ZIP LINE.
– MM-HMM. – YOU THINK IF THEY
HAD BUSTED SOME WINDOWS OPEN ON A BUILDING SOMEHOW, THEN FIRED THE ZIP LINE
OFF A BOW AND ARROW, AND IT ATTACHED
TO THE WALL OF SAID BUILDING, THAT THEY COULD JUST RIDE
THE ZIP LINE INTO THE BUILDING? – I HAVE NO IDEA. SIR, WHATEVER YOU
ARE PLANNING ON DOING, PLEASE DON’T DO IT. – I’M NOT–I’M NOT–
I’M NOT DOING ANYTHING. I’M JUST DOING
SOME CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, TRYING TO GET IT
OUT OF THE WAY. YOU KNOW, BOW AND ARROWS
FOR MY NEPHEW. THE ZIP LINE’S FOR MY…
GRANDMOTHER. ET CETERA AND WHATNOT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING THERE? IT’S NOTHING.
NO BIG DEAL. SPEAKING OF OTHER THINGS,
DO YOU GUYS HAVE JUST THE, UH, TOP HALF
OF A KNIGHT IN ARMOR? – FIRST OF ALL,
IT’S CALLED A SUIT OF ARMOR. – OH, YUP, THAT’S IT.
THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.
– WE HAVE ONE BUT IT’S SOLD… – OH!
– AS A COMPLETE SET. – YUP. YUP.
– YUP. – YEAH,
BUT THE PERSON IT’S FOR, THEY ONLY NEED THE–
THEY DON’T NEED THE– THEY JUST NEED THE TOP HALF. THEY DON’T NEED THE LEGS.
– MM-HMM. – WELL, WHAT IF SOMEBODY
WAS SHOOTING AT YOU AND– WHAT ARE THE CHANCES YOU THINK
THEY’D TRY TO SHOOT YOUR LEGS? – I FEEL
LIKE I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT A SUIT OF ARMOR
WILL NOT DEFLECT BULLETS. – I’LL TAKE MY CHANCES–
WITH CHRISTMAS. WHICH BRINGS ME, UH,
TO MY NEXT QUESTION. DO YOU GUYS
HAVE ROLLER SKATES? – I THINK WE HAVE A PAIR AROUND.
– UH-HUH. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION. HOW FAST DO YOU THINK YOU’D HAVE
TO BE GOING ON ROLLER SKATES TO GET PAST A COUPLE
OF ARMED GUARDS AND STILL BE GOING FAST ENOUGH
TO SMASH THROUGH A SAFE DOOR? – ONE OF THOSE BIG BANK SAFES?
– NO! I DON–I DON’T KNOW.
YEAH. YEAH? UH… HEY, YOU GUYS GOT ONE OF THOSE,
YOU KNOW, JUST ONE OF THOSE BIG BAGS WITH
A DOLLAR SIGN ON THE SIDE OF IT? – OKAY.
– [snorts] [coughs]
YEAH? – YOU’RE GONNA SHOOT ARROWS WITH
SHOTGUN SHELLS ATTACHED TO ‘EM TO A BANK WINDOW
TO BLOW OUT THE GLASS. THEN YOU’RE GONNA SHOOT
A ZIP LINE THROUGH THAT WINDOW AND YOU’RE GONNA SLIDE ON
INTO THE HALLWAY. YOU’RE GONNA BE
WEARING ROLLER SKATES SO YOU CAN JUST SKATE ON PAST
THE ARMED GUARDS, WHO WILL BE SHOOTING AT YOU,
AND YOU’RE GONNA HOPE THAT THEY BOTH
WON’T HIT YOUR LEGS, AND, IF THEY ARE AIMING
AT YOUR TORSO, THE SUIT OF MEDIEVAL ARMOR
WILL DEFLECT THE BULLETS. THEN YOU’RE GONNA HOPE
TO GATHER ENOUGH SPEED TO BURST THROUGH
THE BIG BANK VAULT AT THE END OF THE HALLWAY WHERE YOU’RE GONNA
COLLECT THE MONEY IN A CARTOON MONEY BAG. – WELL, NO. I’M JUST AN UNCLE WHO’S BUYING
SOME [bleep] FOR CHRISTMAS AND I, UH, THINK I’LL
TAKE MY BUSINESS ELSEWHERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS. – IT’S APRIL.

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