Side Effects May Include: Hats, Pottery Barn Bathrooms


SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE.>>James: ANYONE HERE THINKING
OF MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS? A WOMAN JUST WENT, WHOO! AND THEN I DON’T THINK SHE
REALIZED SHE WAS A LESBIAN UNTIL THAT MOMENT. IS THAT WHAT JUST HAPPENED OR
DID YOU ALREADY KNOW? I GUESS, WHAT A WONDERFUL NIGHT,
GUYS! CONGRATS! (APPLAUSE)
ANYONE HERE THINKING OF MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS? IF YOU’RE THINKING OF MEETING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE
EFFECTS AND THEY MAY INCLUDE… HAVING YOUR HAND CRUSHED BY HER
FATHER’S VERY MANLY HANDSHAKE. NO MATTER WHAT YOU’RE EATING —
SAYING, “YUM! MY FAVORITE!” LOOKING AT YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S MOM
AND WONDERING IF THAT’S WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S GONNA LOOK
LIKE WHEN SHE’S OLDER. TRYING TO HAVE THE QUIETEST SEX
IMAGINABLE IN A TWIN BED. RUINING YOUR SEX LIFE BY PUTTING
A FACE TO THE NAME “DADDY” AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF
MEETING YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S PARENTS IS
BREAKING UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. ANYONE THINKING OF BEING A SOLID
5? (LAUGHTER)
YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS
MAY INCLUDE… DATING OTHER SOLID 5’S. LOOKING LIKE A NOT-SO-SOLID 4
WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WISHING THERE WAS A TINDER FOR
5’S. REALIZING THERE IS, IT’S CALLED
OKCUPID. THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT TO BEING A
SOLID 5 IS LIVING WITH THE SAD REALIZATION
THAT YOU HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE A 7, BUT YOU’RE JUST TOO LAZY
TO PUT IN THE EFFORT. ANYONE HERE THINKING OF WEARING
A HAT? YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE
EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE… LOOKIN’ DOPE AS HELL. HAVING TO TELL PEOPLE, “NO, I
DIDN’T GET AN AWESOME NEW HAIRCUT. THIS IS CALLED A HAT.” LAUGHING AT ALL THE PEOPLE WHOSE
HAIR GOT MESSED UP ON A WINDY DAY. NOT YOU, THOUGH – YOU’RE WEARING
A HAT. REALIZING YOU ACCIDENTALLY WORE
YOUR PANTS THAT DON’T HAVE POCKETS, AND YOU DON’T HAVE
ANYWHERE TO PUT YOUR WALLET. OH, WAIT,
NEVER MIND. JUST PUT IT UNDER YOUR SICK-ASS
HAT. EVERYONE CHEERING WHEN YOU ENTER
A ROOM GOING, “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA
HAT MAN!!!” AND THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF
WEARING A HAT — IS WAKING UP, REALIZING IT WAS ALL
JUST A DREAM. WHO WERE YOU KIDDING? YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT, YOU’LL
NEVER BE A HAT GUY. (LAUGHTER)
ANYONE HERE THINKING OF USING THE RESTROOM AT POTTERY BARN? IF YOU’RE THINKING OF USING THE
RESTROOM AT POTTERY BARN, YOU SHOULD KNOW THERE ARE SIDE
EFFECTS AND THOSE SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE… PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED IN A
MILA BEADED CRYSTAL CHANDELIER. LOOKING AT AU NATURALE CEREAL
BOWLS, SET OF 4, CREAM COLORED. TURNING TO AN EMPLOYEE AND
SAYING, “WOW! THESE ARE VERY NICE!”
ASKING THAT SAME EMPLOYEE WHERE THE BATHROOM IS. BLOWING – UP – THAT – BATHROOM. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
HALFWAY THROUGH, HAVING A PANIC ATTACK, REALIZING THAT YOU ARE
SITTING ON A DISPLAY-ONLY TOILET. OH GOD — THEY LOOK SO REAL! SPRINTING OUT OF POTTERY BARN. THE FINAL SIDE EFFECT OF USING
THE RESTROOM AT POTTERY BARN IS FEELING GUILTY ABOUT WHAT YOU
DID TO THAT POTTERY BARN, SO YOU GIVE THEM FREE ADVERTISING ON
YOUR SHOW. AND THAT WAS “SIDE EFFECTS MAY
INCLUDE.” WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW!

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